The Internet Vagina Posse

What is helpful? What is not helpful?

Posted in Share your Experience by Dresden on June 13, 2007

The following is a list of typical scenarios that one might encounter within the inner sanctum of the IVP.  I am curious about what you guys find helpful (or not helpful) for any of these situations.

What do you want to hear when:

  1. You get your period at the end of a trying cycle
  2. You are going in for an IUI, IVF, ART
  3. You get crap blood work
  4. You get crap follicle reports
  5. You announce that you are ovulating
  6. You announce that you are feeling symptoms
  7. You announce that your sister, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, nemesis is knocked up
  8. You realize you can’t afford another cycle for a while
  9. You realize that you might have some super serious IF issues
  10. You are having a tough pregnancy
  11. You are freaking out over pregnancy exams, US, blood-work
  12.  You miscarry, have a dead baby, chemical pregnancy
  13. Your kids are driving you nuts
  14. Your kids are sick

If you have been through any of the above what did you want to hear?  What was helpful, what was shitty? Obviously “sorry” would cover a lot of bases, but sometimes I know a lot of us want to say MORE.

For example, the recent inclusion of “it sucks donkey balls” within the IVP vernacular has been especially helpful for me to hear.  It conveys a good level of suckitude acknowledgement and it also manages to lighten the mood a little.

Sometimes, when we are in the thick of shit, we need more.  So I want to know, when you were in the trenches, did someone say something that was especially wonderful that helped you through.

Please share.

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4 Responses

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  1. Carrie-targetgirl said, on June 13, 2007 at 4:48 pm

    This is so interesting because in my ttc path I have gotten many well meaning responses to crap situations that just made me feel worse. I can’t explain why, as every situation was different. Some were too dismissive, some to religious, some insensitive, some clueless, some callous, and some too much. You get the picture. So here is what I like to hear:

    You get your period at the end of a trying cycle
    ~fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! No!

    You are going in for an IUI, IVF, ART
    ~FX for (insert well wishes here–good sperm count, not missing ovulation, a good provider who won’t give you cramps all day, etc)

    You get crap blood work
    ~fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! No!

    You get crap follicle reports
    ~fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! No!

    You announce that you are ovulating
    ~Hooray! Unless it is ill timed, then NOOOOO!

    You announce that you are feeling symptoms
    ~I want the responder to tell me a story of how that automatically means I am knocked up. Yes, I want to be lied to.

    You announce that your sister, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, nemesis is knocked up
    ~I want everyone to announce she is totally unworthy and that it should be me–and make me not feel bad for feeling that way myself.

    You realize you can’t afford another cycle for a while
    ~Everyone i know should send me lots of cash so I can continue. No, seriously, an “Oh boy, so sorry but please stick around” will suffice.

    You realize that you might have some super serious IF issues
    ~fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! No!

    You are having a tough pregnancy
    ~commiseration or lots of well wishes. And if I am really wallowing, a pep talk can help. But only in dire circumstances.

    You are freaking out over pregnancy exams, US, blood-work
    ~Again good related stories help here too.

    You miscarry, have a dead baby, chemical pregnancy
    ~I love, love, love Bri’s “I am holding you in the light” it makes me feel so much better.

    Your kids are driving you nuts
    ~Yes, all children are heathens

    Your kids are sick
    ~fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! No! (see how great this response is? I *heart* it!)

  2. the_road_less_travelled said, on June 13, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    You get your period at the end of a trying cycle

    Sorry is always good because I know you guys mean it, fuck pretty much sums it all up for me, and the sucks monkey balls works to. The last two convey how crappy and fed up I feel when that happens.

    You are going in for an IUI, IVF, ART

    Good luck and I’ll be here for you if you need to sulk works wonders.

    You get crap blood work

    Again, fuck and shit work well, sorry is also good.

    You get crap follicle reports

    For fuck’s sake. This conveys my feeling that for the love of God can nothing go right.

    You announce that you are ovulating

    Whoohoo, yeah, alright, any of those will do.

    You announce that you are feeling symptoms

    I try not to do this, just because it doesn’t necessarily mean anything and I don’t want to someone give me positive comments when they know it could be all in my head.

    You announce that your sister, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, nemesis is knocked up

    Sorry and that sucks. Because although I wish no one evil, I so don’t want to celebrate and you guys get that.

    You realize you can’t afford another cycle for a while

    Ideas on how to raise money is always good, sorry, and I’m a billionaire how much do you need would be great (yeah a girl can dream)

    You realize that you might have some super serious IF issues

    I’m so sorry, some great people have given me their email and phone numbers. I can’t tell you what that’s meant to me, and how much their support keeps me going. Just knowing that there’s someone who cares and understands why you feel so broken goes a long way.

    You are having a tough pregnancy
    Hang in there.

    You are freaking out over pregnancy exams, US, blood-work

    Try not to freak yourself out before you know exactly what’s wrong. That’s usually enough to talk me off the ledge.

    You miscarry, have a dead baby, chemical pregnancy

    A simple I’m sorry is like a hand holding you up, and if you’ve gone through it , should you say you understand, I’m not insulted because on many levels I know you do.

    Your kids are driving you nuts

    I couldn’t post this, because it’s like a kick in the ass to others who’s love kids to drive them nuts.

    Your kids are sick
    That so sucks.

  3. nycphoenix said, on June 13, 2007 at 11:00 pm

    1. Any combination of swear words and animal genetalia imagery is great.

    2 & 5. Assurances that you are doing everything within your spiritual practice to send me good luck. Animal sacrifice grreatly appreciated but not NECESSARY.

    6. Any story that would allow me to believe anything positive just a bit longer before number 1 is used.

    3,4,7,9. see number 1.

    8. See number 1 along with financial offers or indecent proposals

    10 through 14: Well right now none of that applies to me but if it ever did, previous answers may work well here.

  4. Co said, on June 14, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    I am going to respond to the numbers that have, thus far, applied to me.

    1. You get your period after a trying cycle.

    “I’m sorry”, “Fuck”, anything as long as you are not at all peppy about my next try. I never want peppy about the next try.

    2. You are going in for an IUI. IVF, ART.

    “Good luck, ” “Fingers crossed”, “Hope this is the one.” If you have a pet, you can tell me your pet sends me good wishes, too, even though s/he probably doesn’t care and is busy eating bugs or something. (Oh, and if anyone finds it annoying when Maggie crosses her paws for them, let me know and I’ll stop using that one. Occasionally, she is actually sitting with paws crossed when I write that.)

    Basically, I just liked knowing others were rooting for me. I knew that you would be along for the ride… to comfort me if I got a BFN and to congratulate me if I got a BFP. And that helped.

    4. You get crap follicle reports.

    If you have had the same thing happen to you, tell me. If you are sadly knowledgeable about IF from your own experience, give me scoop. Cali’s notion of “apartment follies” comforted me greatly on a couple of occasions, as did the knowledge that I am not the only who has had follies shrink on them. Sometimes, my R.E.’s nurse made me feel like a freak, and it was helpful to know that I am actually not so freakish.

    7. You announce that your sister, coworker, etc. is knocked up.

    Commiserate. Tell me a story. Oh, and if the person I know got pregnant easily via their husband or BF and bitchd about how expensive HPTs are, feel free to mock them.

    10. You are having a tough pregnancy.

    Really, I haven’t had a tough pregnancy. I struggled with irrational anxiety more than anything else. (Yes, I had morning sickness and fatigue and all that during my first tri, but it was manageable, so I felt too lucky to complain about that.) If the irrational anxiety counts, it helped a lot to know others were rooting for me when I went in for an u/s or whatever. As with the IUI, it made me feel like others would be there to be relieved for me if all went well and there to support me if, G-d forbid, it didn’t. And that is a huge comfort to me.


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