The Internet Vagina Posse

Sometimes we all get a little crazy.

Posted in Crazy Stories, Share your Experience by Dresden on May 30, 2007

In cleaning up for an out of town guest this weekend I did some light dusting of my bookshelves. As I ran my white-gloved (heh) finger over the books I noticed that most of my non-fiction selection is comprised of books telling me the secrets to getting knocked up. I have at least a dozen books. Through the aid and endorsement of these books I have done some crazy things.

I have given up coffee, gone back on coffee, given up meat, given up dairy, taken up eating ice cream, given up orgasms, gone back to orgasms, given up exercise, taken up power walking, consumed 345 raw pineapples, sipped 450 thousand cups of green tea, prayed to God, cursed at God, considered that there may not be a God, went to church, stopped going to church, read books, wanted to burn books, took my temperature, tossed my thermometer, gazed at my female bits, shared my female bits with 620 thousand RE’s and RE’s in training, gained weight, gained follicles, lost follicles, politicized my ovaries, hated my ovaries, lit candles, built a shrine, tried to call forth spirits, dreamed about babies, dreamed about dead relatives, and I have developed a freakish attachment to on-line astrology sites.

Trying to get knocked up can make you crazy.

What crazy things have you done in the name of procreation?


12 Responses

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  1. vee said, on June 1, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    Over 420 night-time temperature takings (stopped that sucker – it gave me insomnia), 1560 prenatal vitamins swallowed (including some dreadful Vitamin B ones that made my morning wee LUMINOUS green!!), 80 odd sticks peed on, no alcohol, no caffeine, no soft cheese, pineapple til it comes out of my ears, not to mention the 3,500 miles driven to and from our donor’s abode.

    Oh yeah, and I sleep with a bag of magic fertility stones under my pillow.

  2. Co said, on June 1, 2007 at 6:26 pm

    green tea before an IUI (cuz the caffeine might make the spermies swim faster)
    lukewarm showers during the TWW
    rubbing a pregnant woman’s belly for good luck

  3. Melody said, on June 1, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    Green tea before and after an IUI for the reasons noted above by Co. I actually got that one from Co.

    Made a point of visualizing fertilization on the day of an IUI.

    Suffered many sleepless morning hours avoiding getting up to use the bathroom because I didn’t want to mess up my BBT

    Avoided sex and swimming after IUIs

    Worn fertility goddess earrings to IUIs

    Adopted a lucky pair of IUI underwear. These didn’t work. One of the dogs recently decided to eat them anyway.

    Slept with a Gaia statue on our dresser overlooking our bed– as if there were any babymaking happening in it

  4. the_road_less_travelled said, on June 1, 2007 at 8:39 pm

    I gave up everything I liked, started eating vegetables (blech) and drank water like a lunatic. I didn’t get pregnant but lost a few pounds. Held my pee so I wouldn’t screw up my temps, gave up sex with a certain someone just in case god held grudges. Wore a mask and gloves when I changed the litter box. I still have no sex, don’t have the cat, gained back the pounds and still no baby. That worked well.

  5. oneofhismoms said, on June 3, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    Possibly the craziest is the pep talks I give to my eggs. I’ve taken to talking to them like Tevya speaks to god. I have also been known to lecture incoming sperm.

    [BTW- my partner thinks it is crazy that I spend so much time blogging and reading ttc blogs. I think it keeps me sane. I THINK. But it is a little crazy that I write about my lady parts on the internet.]

    Oh, I also collect pregnant friends, IRL and on the internet. I am under the delusion that the more pregnant people I meet, the more likely I am to become pregnant.

  6. coreyjo said, on June 4, 2007 at 1:18 am

    Got together with one of the mothers at my school and allowed her to give me freeze-dried cow ovaries. And I take them. Every morning.
    Freeze driend ovaries. By my cup of tea at 7 am.

  7. nycphoenix said, on June 4, 2007 at 4:43 am

    Temped with two thermometers
    Spit on a microscope
    Peed on 483986802005 OPKs
    Peed on just as many HPTs
    Bought a speculum at a gay male owned BDSM shop for cervix gazing
    Practiced “mirror and flashlight holding yoga” while cervix gazing
    Had Mikey cervix gaze
    Gave up caffeine
    Gave up hot baths and showers.
    Inseminated in a restaurant bathroom
    Inseminated on the floor of an English professor’s office
    Inseminated in an English professor’s bedroom.
    Inseminated in a known donor’s bathroom.
    Drank green tea.
    Took out the egg white carton and poured some in a frying pan and some in a jar to use for an insemination.
    Dehydrated myself to make sure my pee was concentrated enough.
    Ingested nasty prenatal vitamins
    Had friends do religious rituals including those involving Yoruba. There may have been a chicken involved.

  8. Bri said, on June 4, 2007 at 10:38 pm

    While propped up after IUI’s, promised future offspring myriad pieces of family real estate if he would come into existence.

    And many, many of the above.

  9. nycphoenix said, on June 5, 2007 at 4:15 am

    Oh I forgot, ingested fertility tea and burned myself while making it.

  10. Jude said, on June 5, 2007 at 2:09 pm

    At some point on our TTC journey, someone gave us a small smurf figurine – a baby smurf. (Yes, it’s ludicrous in and of itself. How does one acquire a BABY smurf? But anyway.) I am a bit of a smurf collector and therefore it was somewhat sweetly significant.

    We brought the Baby Smurf to our last two rounds of IUIs. When the last one ended up working, I carried that freaking Baby Smurf in my pocket EVERY DAY until about 19 weeks. I am not even kidding.

    Where is Baby Smurf now? On the shelf in the future Frankenbaby’s bedroom, of course!

  11. Carrie-targetgirl said, on June 5, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    Um, yeah. Would go to bed an hour early at night so morning temp time would come “sooner,” convinced myself several cycles in a row that *maybe* my husband did have sperm after all and I was pregnant, listened to relaxation mantras aimed at pre- and post-ovulation, felt myself up consistently throughout my cycle (my boobs hurt from me poking at them, not because I was actually pg), and convinced myself I had a stronger gag reflex than normal EVERY. SINGLE. CYCLE. Yeah, that was made up, definitley not morning sickness. Did I mention how helpful my therapist was at the time?

  12. llz said, on June 18, 2007 at 8:36 pm

    This is the best website out of everyone I read, all of the others will make you crazy, and lets think about this people in the stonge age got pregnant with in caves.

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