The Internet Vagina Posse

Stupid things should be left unsaid.

Posted in Share your Experience, Stupid things people say by Dresden on May 24, 2007

Relax!

Go on a vacation!

Adopt!

We’ve all heard them, those stupid as fuck, lame ass things that people outside of the IVP say to us to “help” us along. Usually these things are said without a prompt…just your basic unconditional love thrust.

So let’s hear ’em. What are all of the stupid things people have said to you on your ttc journey. And what do you wish you had said in reply?

Here is an old post of some of the things I have gotten.

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11 Responses

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  1. the_road_less_travelled said, on May 25, 2007 at 12:42 am

    Stupid Advice: Why don’t you just go to a bar and find a man?

    My Acutal Response: Why what a great idea, because I’m fond of disease.

    Stupid Advice: Why don’t you get a dog?

    My Acutal Response: Why don’t you trade one of your kids for a pet, it’s the same thing.

    Yeah, people are really helpful sometimes.

  2. Co said, on May 25, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    Stupid comment: It just takes time. It took our friends so-and-so 2 years to conceive.
    Answer: Were your friends spendig 3 mornings a week in a doctor’s office, taking fertility meds, injecting themselves at home, and spendig $1K a pop every cycle they tried? No, they weren’t. Hmm…

    Stupid comment: You know, most women don’t have any of those fertility tests you’re having done until they have tried for at least 1 year. You don’t need to have an HSG.
    Answer: I bet the women you refer to have free sources of fresh sperm at their disposal. I don’t. I need to get these tests done because my R.E. requires them before he will treat me and they might be what gets me the IF diagnosis that will convince my health insurance to cover my IUIs and meds. I know they’re not standard for het women, but I don’t want to shoot expensive sperm up there for nothing.

    Repeat stupid comment: Just relax and it’ll happen. (by many het friends and a lesbian physician)
    Answer: Sure, daily injections, a speculum and a catheter up my twat, intense ovulation pain so bad I walk hunched over. Sure, I’ll just relax next time.

    Stupid comment: So, if your child’s father is identity release, and your kid meets him when he’s 18, maybe he’ll chip in for your child’s college education.
    Answer: First of all, let’s wait and see if we produce a child. Secondly, the donor is not the same thing as the father. Don’t you get what that means?

    Stupid comment: If it’s a money issue, I’d help pay for sperm for a second IUI so you could up your chances…
    Answer: That’s sweet. I don’t know if we’re going to want to do IUIs per cycle. I haven’t done one yet, but it might be a lot to go through… [This is when I was terrified, before we started]
    Stupid response: Don’t you WANT a baby? [implying that if I did, I should be willing to submit to any procedure]
    Answer: Since you conceived both your children without any interventions, through natural intercourse, who are you to tell me what to do with MY BODY?

    Stupid comment: Ya know, it’s not just lesbians who are infertile!
    Answer: Really? I didn’t realize that. I go to the special lesbian IF clinic where I am kept blissfully unaware of … oh wait, no, I go to a clinic where I sit in a waiting room with tons of IF partnered het women 3 times a week on average. I guess I DO know that partnered het women can be infertile too. Yet somehow, that fact doesn’t take away my own personal frustration or pain.

    Ok, that’s enough for now. Lo can probably remember others.

  3. nycphoenix said, on May 26, 2007 at 4:12 am

    Why don’t you just go out and get a man? *That’s universal*

    Maybe you should lose weight. *So is this one*

    Wow you spent that much on what I give away every day in the shower/in my bedroom/in the backroom/with my trick. *Love having gay men as friends*

  4. KaylingR said, on May 26, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    From our donor daddy- the reason you’re not pregnant is that you have a mental block and there’s part of you that doesn’t want this pregnancy.

    I just walked out of the room, and DP talked to him. He’s never said that again.

    -K.

  5. veeandjay said, on May 28, 2007 at 6:11 pm

    Our top 3 (in reverse order) as posted by jay, here:-
    http://veeandjay.wordpress.com/2007/03/03/errrr-no/

    3) A relative of mine, upon hearing some story or another about how cute our dog was, said pointedly “Oh, isn’t he lovely… what more could you want?” Errrrr, a baby, or maybe even six?!

    2) Vee’s GP, upon finding out we were trying, asked: “So, you shag your donor every month, then?” I have no idea what to say to that, except “nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

    1) A pregnant friend of mine, after listening to me telling her on IM how hard it was to get pregnant, and then announcing her own pregnancy a few days later via a BCC blanket emailout, popped up on IM again to tell me how morning sick she was, and to tell me to tell vee to “enjoy the trying, because the pregnant part is hard.” ENJOY THE TRYING?!

    There are some further gems in the comments section.

    Another personal favourite of mine was the response I had from a friend after I poured my heart out to her about how hard I was finding it all. I keep things bottled up IRL and it took me A LOT to open up to her.
    Her response?
    “Oh”

    I think I’ll stick with my IVP sisters for support, thanks!

  6. Anj said, on May 28, 2007 at 8:00 pm

    Here’s an actual response from a friend after I told him recently I was thinking of having a child on my own:
    “The good news is everyone is waiting longer to have kids. Worst case scenario, freeze some eggs! Better yet get out there and meet people…Spring fever is in the air!”

  7. Caseylee said, on May 28, 2007 at 8:32 pm

    When I lost my first child at 16 weeks gestation, I called my mother sobbing. We were very close all of my life. Her response “Well you must have done something that you weren’t supposed to do!” That was 19 months ago and we have not spoken since.

    Then there are the “God has a reason” and the reason is because you aren’t spiritual enough…..because they think they are God.

    When I lost my second baby, my pregnant co workers send me an email “do you want to be a mother or do you just want to have a baby?” WTF!

  8. the_road_less_travelled said, on May 29, 2007 at 10:42 pm

    Caseylee I don’t know how you didn’t track her down and slap her in the mouth. Damn that’s cruel.

  9. Caseylee said, on May 31, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    Which one? My mother, my friend who thinks she is God or the coworker?

    Grief saps my energy. Thanks for the support. It does help to hear someone else say that a comment(s) were cruel and that is not just me.

    I can hardly believe the other comments people have posted. A lot of people are so stupid. Even before my losses/fertility treatments, I never offered anything but a simple “I’m sorry” but never gave advice.

  10. Melody said, on June 1, 2007 at 6:31 pm

    Dumbest things are always said by my mother:

    1.) I wish you could just rise above yourself and put this having a baby stuff behind you. (This was part of a rant about how selfish it is for us to bring a child into the world who will have to suffer the indignity of having two mothers and how, if we HAD to burden a child like that, we should just adopt someone else’s.)

    2.) If you keep taking these drugs and trying to control everything, you might just end up with a mentally retarded baby, and then you’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life. (This was a rant about us “subverting God’s plan.” I thought it was very Christian of her to suggest, later in the conversation, that a mentally-disabled child would ruin our whole lives. In fact, she always talks about what a burden children are. Makes me feel really good about my childhood.)

  11. Bri said, on June 4, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    Some of the ones written here are really, really awful. I am so sorry, guys.

    I heard “relax” so many times I could vomit. A cute version of that I always loved – “As soon as you stop thinking about it, it will happen.” Um… by magic, then? I should somehow turn off my brain for the OPK’s and the drives to the RE and the IUI’s and the testing and the Clomid and the hell? Um…

    Upon seeing a co-worker I hadn’t seen all summer (a summer during which she had her baby, whom she had complained it “was taking forever” to conceive afer 3 or 4 tries. I think they got pg after one month of fertility monitor), I told her I was miscarrying. As in, I had just hours earlier found out he was dead and I was going a few hours later to have him sucked out. Without any glimmer of sympathy crossing her face, she said, “But you got pregnant!!”

    One month after my miscarriage, another co-worker asked what I was doing that weekend. I said nothing, as we were not really seeing people yet because we were feeling sad. “Still?” she said, looking perplexed.

    Same co-worker constantly, CONSTANTLY, feels the need to say, “Are you SURE you want to have kids? They can really be a pain in the ass.” (She has two) Every SINGLE time she says this, I have to remind her that I have already raised a child from age 6-16 and know possibly more about what a pain they are than she does, since her oldest is 10 or so. Ha.


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